good one... QM

Classifieds
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day....

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's .

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog. able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale..

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.

Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.

The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.

After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength.



He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."


The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Philosophy of Housecleaning!

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

dusting fairyI don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again.

lady dustingI don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

REMEMBER . . . . A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

Until we meet again may your days be "pieceful",
the Stitchin' Heaven Gals

Thanks for the Anita!!!!

Biblical bumper stickers:

Jonah: Save the Whales

The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses

Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls

Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots

Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close

Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens